What the hell happened? I'm still here. I'm just quiet.
Recent things:Depression passing:
My last post was about depression. Well, I worked myself up to confronting certain issues, and through the magic of communication, a lot of things were resolved in a more than satisfactory manner. Of course, with the diminishing of depression comes the rush of mania. It's just how it is. After a long conversation with my psychologist, I have to accept that this is a cycle I cannot escape from, only mitigate. Knowing that has made it easier to recognize the signs, and take action before things get too bad. It doesn't make it go away. It just makes it easier to cope.
Such is life.Officiating a Wedding:
My good friends dreamous
decided to finally consummate a marriage they'd proposed 4 years ago. They asked me to officiate. It was both one of the greatest honors of my life, and one of the most terrifying. Not because I'm afraid of speaking (I love speaking in front of crowds; yes, I have an ego. It's buried, but it's there), but because of my own personal doubts in the permanence of things. I'll just leave it at that. I will say, they are a beautiful couple, and it's my hope and wish that the two enjoy a long, happy, and eternal relationship with each other.
The ceremony itself was written over the course of two weeks. Proofread, revised, proofed again, revised again. It was quite the journey. Once it was done, I scribed it into my personal diary in calligraphy, so that I could make the words part of me, and part of my life. I thought about sharing it here, but instead I'll say that if you want to see it, contact me, and I'll send it to you.Brother visiting:
Yeah, so those local and close to me knew that my brother was visiting. We were supposed to smoke out, hang around, and watch movies and listen to music, and just catch up on years of being entirely too busy. He was supposed to be out here for a little over a week and a half. I was really REALLY looking forward to it. He showed up, and all was well. Well, except that he smokes like a chimney, both tobacco and otherwise. Non-stop. He says it's because he was bored. And then, while trying to chill and watch movies, he's on the phone, SMSing the whole time. Turns out he'd met a 24-year-old (he's 35) at Starbucks right before he left, and he exhibited his typical "HOLD ON SO TIGHT YOU STRANGLE HER", and was SMSing and calling her nonstop. In the middle of a movie, he'd say "I'll be right back" and he'd vanish for 45-60 minutes, on the phone. I finally turned off the movies and played video games or went to bed. It was ridiculous. I sent an email to my folks, venting, and instead of playing it cool, they freaked and called him.
To make a long story short, he ended up going home about 6 days early. He rushed home so he could fuck a girl 11 years his junior. I have nothing against relationships with younger people, but this is the fourth he's had. I'm sure this one will be "The One", just like the other 3. I asked him why he dates gals so young. His response was that any available woman his age is damaged goods
or they're divorces and used goods
. For some reason, I took this extremely personally; something to do with my gender dysphoria, which I'll discuss in a moment. We ended up having a screaming match because "I DON'T KNOW HIM!" Though he seems to think he knows me (and my folks). His ego just knows no bounds.
Anyway, this whole situation has me in a massive funk that I just can't shake. I really want to stop caring about him, because caring about a person who's destroying themselves hurts. But I can't. We're brothers. I can say he's not welcome here, but it would be a lie. *sigh* So I deal, and life continues.Burning Man:
I'm going to Burning Man this year. I'm not looking forward to it. Once I'm out there, I'm sure it'll be fine, but the folks that I'm going with are going extremely
overboard with the planning. As is my way, the more they spread out, the more I compress. I'm bringing far less than I originally intended, and will probably trim it down even more. At this point, my intent is to spend a good deal of the time by myself, in the desert, writing (I'm been working on my calligraphy, and it's really cathartic to just WRITE stuff). I also anticipate a fair number of pictures. I'm bringing the D700 and the 24-70mm f/2.8, because fuck it. Might bring my 50mm f/1.4 (or the 85mm f/1.4), provided I can work out a way to swap lenses without excessive dust. The camera is weather sealed, but not weather-proof.Ham Radio:
I'm done with it. The Yaesu mobile rig is spoken for, but if anyone out there wants a Kenwood TH-F6A
for a reasonably mark down, please let me know.Gender Dysphoria:
This is gonna be hard for me to write about. And it's a pretty new one. Well, actually, it's not so new. Due to some close friends opening up to me about it, I've come to the realization that I am, and have been having gender identity issues for most of my life. I'm not going to run out and get hormones and have my dick chopped off, don't worry; I'm (mostly) happy with my myself. There are just some aspects I'm coming to accept, and it's nice admitting things. I've always had transgender dreams, as early in my life as I can remember. I've always played female characters online, and more and more, in video games. I've always had strong leanings towards cross-dressing, but I'd always been hung up about self image. There was a recent interview clip with Dustin Hoffman about his role in Tootsie, and it helped me realize that while I might not make for a pretty woman, I would at least be an interesting woman, and that's got to count for something, right?Introversion:
I accept that I'm an introvert. I can be extremely outgoing sometimes, but I have to recharge. I have to retreat. I'm coming to accept that this is a fact, along with my depressions. I just have to recognize the signs and take appropriate measures. I'm in one of these periods now. It's not really helping, due to being hung up about my brother, but I'm still feeling it. No Twitter, no MUCKs, no IMs. Though it's not like I read Twitter anyway. It sort of becomes pointless when you realize no one reads your tweets, anyway, due to being spammed by a thousand irrelevancies.Everything Else:
I'm dieting again. Low fat, low carbs, low calorie. I've relaxed the veg requirement, since a lot of faux meat is carbolicious. I've also stopped taking my shot glass of supplements, so I need to get my vitamins from somewhere else. I'm doing pretty good so far.
I'm in debt up to my eyeballs, and it's starting to stress me out. Too many Kickstarters, too much crap, too much on Burning Man prep. I shouldn't be going, but I am. I need to decompress. I've toned back my spending, but it's slow going. I've ditched a bunch of "would be neat to have" and tried to focus on "needs" like food and fuel. It's hard, but I'm getting there. Unfortunately this means I won't be buying the Miata back from Kiteless. Something else I'm letting go of.
My renamed Jazz Band (Reveille and the Swingin' Tails) continues, though our prospects for performing at Further Confusion are up in the air right now. Responses from the Events Staff lead me to believe that IF
they can fit us in, and despite having a reasonable attendance last year, we'll likely be on a smaller, side stage with no AV. Whatever. We'll deal. We're second string to egotists with bigger Twitter followings. We'll just have to swallow that bitter pill and keep playing out hearts out.
Work is going fine. It's been pretty stressful, but it's nothing like the cesspool that the previous job was.
Bean is doing fine, as well. Happy and bouncy and Bostonny as ever.The End:
That's all, folks.
Much love to all of you. Thanks for reading.